There once was a cook that complained bitterly about the waiters.  They would come to him making requests for special plates outside the menu which would break the flow of work in the kitchen.  The waiters on their part, we're always talking amongst themselves about the foul mood and inflexibility of the cook.  They were caught between trying to please the patrons and not create problems for themselves.  

Meanwhile the restaurant owner was advertising his restaurant as a friendly and flexible environment, that catered to the customer's individual needs.  The waiters saw however, that most of the clientele that walked through the door ordered hamburgers that were already part of the menu, and few asked for customized plates.  On the other hand, if you stopped and asked the customers about why they came to this particular restaurant, they would have mentioned the quiet atmosphere that allowed them to have conversations, as opposed to the other establishments near by.

I find the above scenario where everyone complains while opportunities are lost, to be common in any sort of industry or organization.  

It is all too easy, I think, to identify with your group and to complain instead of addressing issues directly, and to forget that others might have a perspective that is very different from your own. When you start to think in terms of blame and "us vs, them" you will be less open to others, less accomodating, and by your attitude you will build walls instead of bridges.  You will be preventing valuable experiences and information to flow freely throughout the organization.  

To build bridges it is necessary to make a conscious effort to reach out across diverse groups and gain their trust that you will listen. People will come out of their group isolation when they are able to relate to others from outside their group, and they will contribute their ideas and their efforts more readily when they know they will be heard and taken into account. 






 

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Giving encouraging, constructive, and useful feedback is without any doubt, an art.  I have learned to give feedback in a variety of contexts and have noticed that the quality of the feedback I give suffers depending on how attached I am to the outcome.  In other words, is my intention to connect with the person and offer a suggestion so that they can improve what they do in some way, or do I want to change how the person behaves (even though in my mind the change would be an improvement)?

Approaching feedback in the spirit of connection opens up the possibility to the individual of seeing the impact of what they do through the eyes of others and of making a choice of their own to change.

In a team, where everyone works towards a common goal and everyone's work depends on each other, there will always be a bottom line, a behavior that needs to stop or change so that the team can function.  However, even in those situations, if the spirit in which you approach giving feedback is one of control then the working relationship will suffer.  Just think, how do you feel when someone is trying to coerce or control you? 

How would your feedback look if first and foremost you had an intention to connect as opposed to controlling the outcome?